I was "born again" (as Christian's understand the term) when I was thirteen years old, whilst cutting school one day and stumbling upon good old Pat Robertson on the 700 Club, who was telling me that my life was a wreck and that I was contemplating suicide - which I was - because I didn't have Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior.

So, I said the "sinner's prayer" and felt better and started reading the Bible, which was more of a sleeping pill, than anything else. Still... I began to see - between the naps - that there was something to the sayings of Jesus.

I started going to school for a change and became an A+ student and continued to read the Bible, but good old Pat kept nagging me about the need to join a church. Oh brother! I just knew my mom would totally flip out over that, but she let me do my own thing, provided I didn't get preachy with her, so ... I started going to this Baptist church down the road.

Well, from the very start all I heard from the suit behind the pulpit, who, by the way, wore sunglasses that made him look even more like Jim Jones than he already did, was how the children of Israel gave everything they had to build the Tabernacle and how his congregation was obligated to do the same. This seems to be a reoccurring theme in every church I've been to since.

Things got pretty oppressive at home and I didn't care for the money grubbing antics in the church. So, I told YHVH that when He got me a place of my own, a decent job and a car to get around in, then I'd check back in with Him and start being more like Jesus.

I joined the military in 1982 and by 1983 I was a drunkard and ready to commit suicide again and that's when YHVH checked back in with me and said, "Look around you. You've got a decent paying job, your own apartment and a car to get around in. It's time to come home, son." Well, I cried like a baby and hit the floor praying my little heart out and thanking and asking Him to forgive me for having been such a weak willed idiot, etc.

Next day at work, with me not having said a word to anyone, all my drinking buddies immediately ganged up on me and started asking me, "What's the matter with you? You got religion or something?" Now, I had just walked into the room and hadn't said or done a single thing to indicate that I'd repented, but somehow these jokers - or something in them - knew that I was no longer "one of the boys." That was a wonderful confirmation to have that I was back on the right track.

Sadly, that joy didn't last long, because the card carrying evangelical Christians at work immediately questioned my "rededication" and told me flat out that if I didn't go to a church, then I wasn't a Christian, if, that is, I was ever really a Christian to begin with. "Great. Here we go again," I thought. Was I right? Pretty much. I hopped from church to church and heard one preacher, minister, pastor or what-have-you tell me how I needed to buy the church a new basketball court, a new vicarage or a new Cadillac for "church business," of course.

I finally settled on a Ken Copeland-esque church that harped on prosperity and how giving one dollar to the work of the Lord obligated YHVH to give that believer $1,000 in return. This teaching was occasionally augmented with the odd "healing service". I became quite the little evangelist in my own right and had lead more than a few of my co-workers to the Lord only to see them fall away from the faith due to a lack of discipleship or carried away by some group on the fringe of Christianity.

That's about the time I told YHVH that I was leaving the church for good and wanted Him to show me where all these crazy sectarians had come from. So, I started praying and buying scholarly works on Protestantism, Catholicism and the early origins of Christianity. I bought the volumes of the Ante-Nicene Fathers and gobbled them up. Then I started reading everything I could on early Gentile Christianity from any and every scholar who had ever authored a book in the subject. I found hints of a Jewish origin to Christianity in scholarly works that had been written 200 to 300 years ago. Shock! Gasp! The Christian scholars of bygone centuries knew about Judaism and a Jewish Yeshua? Wow!

That's about the time Dr. Blizzard II started advancing the Hebrew Roots movement on Paul Crouch's TBN. That was my first real introduction to a Messianic school of thought. Not having had the most wonderful experience with the cacophony of Protestant voices, what Dr. Blizzard II had to say was very refreshing and jived with what I'd been reading about in my own studies.

Sadly, the Hebrew Roots movement gave rise to so many different sects of varying degrees of Christianity and "Jewishness" that I simply became even more of a recluse than I'd been before. The three Messianic congregations I briefly attended were of the following types:

1. Jesus is God Himself and the Messiah.

2. Let's all still hold to our Christian doctrines and just wear tallit and play Messianic music and do Jewish folk-dancing.

3. Let's work with Jews-for-Jesus and annoy and anger as much of the Jewish community as we possibly can in order to get them all saved and believing that Jesus is YHVH.

I flirted with the idea of converting to Orthodox Judaism, but that too became problematic. Eventually, I just packed my 3,500 to 5,000 books away and threw my hands up in the air. What's a Goy to do? Recently, I've been on "Round Number Lost Count" of poking about the world of Messianism and see that the Hebrew Roots movement is still hopelessly divided.

My current beliefs? Yeshua ben Yosef was a man and a product of his time. Further, I see him as a man who was inspired and empowered and motivated by his Heavenly Father to call the Secular and not-so-Torah-observant Jews to repentance. His desire was to restore these "lost sheep" to the orthodoxy and orthopraxy of the proto-Rabbinic Separatists (Pharisees) and their counterparts among the Pious Ones (Essenes).

Hillel said, "Where there are no men, be a man!" I think that statement, along with the heavy handedness and anti-Gentile sentiments of the Shammaites and the lackluster leadership of Simeon ben Hillel over the Hillelites, might have been a contributing factor which moved Yeshua to take Hillel's words to heart.

Yeshua certainly felt an urgency to manifest the Kingdom of Heaven (i.e., the Rulership of YHVH) via his Repentance/Kingdom Movement and it goes without saying that he felt such a movement would serve to usher in the Messianic Era, if not create a grassroots base of support for the Hillelites to regain control of the Religious Sanhedrin of Seventy-One, which was then being dominated by the Judean based patricians of the House of Shammai, whom Yeshua lambasted time and again for their hypocrisy.

I think much of Yeshua's self-awareness was motivated by the times in which he lived and indeed his deeply felt personal desire to please his Heavenly Father. However, I don't feel that Yeshua is YHVH Himself or some Triune combination thereof or a pre-existent Angelic Being or a projection from the Gnostic Pleroma or the Creator of the Universe.

Is Yeshua a pre-existent being? Yes, perhaps, in as much as Judaism believes that we all come from the Well of Souls (lit. Guph, "the Body"). IMO, the universe was not created by Yeshua, but rather FOR him, because as the Anointed One the universe is his Patrimony and the Patrimony of his joint-heirs - those who opt to become the Sons/Daughters of YHVH, whether they be Torah observant Jews, Messianics or Gentiles who've been introduced into the spiritual commonwealth of Yisrael, etc.

Shaul (Paul) certainly believed that Yeshua was the Anointed One and would return to fulfill his role as the King Messiah and he worked feverishly throughout the Diaspora to advance the Kingdom of Heaven. However, I don't see Shaul (Paul) advancing Messianic Noachism as a religion. Shaul (Paul) is very clear about YHVH-Fearing Gentiles being grafted into and thereby sharing in the spiritual commonwealth of Yisrael. What I see Shaul (Paul) doing is taking the same "baby-steps" approach that his Hillelite teachers found acceptable in dealing with Gerim Toshav (Repentant Strangers).

That's my story and my theology in a nutshell. If I'm wrong, then I'm wrong. If I'm even remotely on target, then ... it's done nothing but make me the loneliest man on the face of this planet. :sigh:

I can't help but smile at everything you have written. Like you I have run the gamut of established and non-denominational religions, even trying the occult at one time only to find that everything was just sour grapes in my mouth. However, I've never given up on trying to find out just what the "truth" is. I too have gone the way of Messianic only to find a lot of division in that group as well as among the Sacred Namers. Then I found "Yada Yahweh" and Craig Winn. Do yourself a favor and go to yadayahweh.com and you will find a freedom of belief in Yahweh that you have never experienced before.

Bubbie Dee

Thanks for reading my post, Bubbie Dee. I'll check it out tonight at work. Couldn't hurt, right? Be well....

Peace,

Smadewell

Let me know tomorrow what you think.

Bubbie Dee

Shalom My Brother who sounds so much like me. A lonely suicidal thinking wanting to be used by the MOST HIGH Elohim through Faith as Yeshua Our Appointed King and Master, appointed by YHWH, OUR FATHER and His.

I joined the Army in '79. Served three years. Yet, before that I accepted Jesus into my heart at a congregation that one of my Molesting Uncle was head of, when I was 15. Although I looked to these uncles of mine on my dads side, even looking at them as my favorites, not knowing the pains that would come since being introduced to something I shouldn't have been introduced to to begin with, I still went down a rough road of dispare, disgrace and adventually lonliness, being rejected by most and talked about by many. Though this might not have happened to you or even most people, the same ending has come to many, lonliness in heart, mind and soul: Emptiness. Different but similar roads in the sense that all become broken at some point and many end up just totally giving up and taking their own life, which is really sad that they didn't endure. Those that supposedly have the Ruach of the MOST HIGH are supposed to lift up those that are mere children(even if your old but young in the sense of Our Father) and admonish and teach and care for them. Only in this world that doesn't happen as often as Main line Christianity boasts. Only the child at heart is made more a child of HaSat*n then of the MOST HIGH. Even confusing them to the point that they don't know who to trust any more. Don't lose heart brother becasue that is the plan of the MOST HIGH. HE lets us go the road that our parents and peers take us on so we can understand when we are finally at the Crossroads to lay down our selfs at His FEET, Yeshua, and beg Him forgiveness for our wretchedness that we tend to go. I for one thought for the longest that Yeshua was The MOST HIGH until just a few years ago. Here is a post on that very subject http://www.eliyah.com/forum2/Forum10/HTML/003034.html

In I think 2003 I went the road of Messianic Judaism only to find much baggage carried over from Christianity still in the beliefs. Also I found a fellowship that I felt was on the right path only to see the leader just recently talking about Converting to Orthodox Judaism, which I was really thinking about doing myself last year, and feel I maybe part of the reason he is. But that isn't totally true either since he was on that road to begin with. I just felt that way. Well last June I fell for someone in the fellowship and prayed to YHWH and asked for a fleece on whether I would be married to her or not. The first fleece came out positive, which was a simple one. But the next Sabbath I asked YHWH to have her and her Mom, sister and her brother all to sit directly behind me that morning for confirmation, which they never sat behind me before. And to my Delighted surprise here they come and sit right behind me. So in my boastful self I told everyone except her. And one said it was just coincidence. The fellowship leader said there was no hope. And lo and behold after the fellowship leader came back from Israel they had a necklace for her: Tikvah(in Hebrew) which means Hope. Was that coincidence? That all happened since June last year. In June I made a lot of changes in my life because of her. I am sure no one else has made changes in their lives for someone else have they(sarcasim intended) I reckon it is better to make changes for The MOST HIGH then anyone on earth. For HE won't break your heart into a million pieces, though HE will mend you after you are broken. Read my signature.
I used to smoke pot and play video games on a daily basis and also drink a quart of pop a day as well. I quit all those then. I also quit smoking cigarettes. But since the holidays at the end of the year and after much pain I started smoking cigaretes and then pot. But quit pot for good after only a couple months, not looking back.
I really believed whole heartedly that YHWH would give you the desires of your heart and it does say that. I really started to lose faith again. And I finally realized that I shouldn't be in the fellowship because of her because they weren't growing at all, but dying actually. I am concerned for those in the fellowship, even the leader and his brother and their families. But don't feel they would listen to me anyhow. And am a man that is afraid of standing up for Truth in light of what happened last year. I think many are the same in this world when Truth comes knocking at their door. I know about the scripture about not being afraid of Man but be fear what YHWH can do to you. As a matter of fact I used to think I knew the WORD since I did study it fervently for a few years while in prison, three and a half years. With prayer and supplication surrounded by others who were as fervent in seeking Truth. That was from 1986 to 1989. Then I was moved and lost my circle and crumbled. And I went out to find those who claim to be of the faith holding me at arms length while calling me friend. That really hurts when it is done to you. So I know what lonliness is. Although I have had three women in my life since 1991 and now have been alone for about seven or eight years now.
Before this becomes a book I will stop.

May YHWH do to you what HE has Planned for you for HE has a Plan for all of us no matter how lowly or useless we might think we are,
All this Through HIS SON Yeshua, The Appointed KING AND MASTER of ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL, only not the Throne of the MOST HIGH,

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‘Come, and let us turn back to YHWH. For He has torn but He does heal us, He has stricken but He binds us up. ‘After two days He shall revive us, on the third day He shall raise us up, so that we live before Him. ‘So let us know, let us pursue to know YHWH. His going forth is as certain as the morning. And He comes to us like the rain, like the latter rain watering the earth.’ (Hos 6:1-3 The Scriptures '98)
Any edits in the "The Scriptures '98" quotes because the Hebrew and other characters don't show on this forum.